Why do I self-sabotage when things are going well?
Find out more about how self-sabotaging behaviours may not be immediately obvious, and why some people are prone to self-sabotage when things appear to be going well.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage describes the patterns of thinking and behaviours people often engage in to prevent or limit their own success or happiness.
This sounds counterproductive, but there are reasons (explored below) why we either consciously or subconsciously engage in behaviours that can ultimately be harmful to ourselves.
What causes us to do it?
Low self-esteem
If you have normal levels of self-esteem, you’ll likely feel a healthy level of drive towards achieving goals you have set for yourself. This isn’t the case for people who lack self-esteem.
When things are going well, low self-esteem and self-worth can trigger doubts and thoughts that convince us we’re not worthy of success. People with low self-esteem often believe they are not worthy of success or happiness, which can lead to sabotaging behaviours that prevent them from achieving their goals.
Accomplishment and achievement can feel so uncomfortable for someone who has low self-esteem that they consciously choose to avoid chances for personal development, happiness, or success.
A ‘fear’ of success
Success often brings about change, which can be scary.
Whether it’s in our professional or our personal lives, sometimes we do things that limit our progression because we are comfortable where we are and fear the outcome of
For example:
- A loving relationship may lead to talk of marriage or having children
- Performing well at work invites the possibility of a promotion and added responsibility
- Strong friendships mean people start to trust and depend on us
- Being good at a hobby means challenging ourselves against better opposition in the future
- Landing your dream job means negotiating a salary you feel you deserve
These are all examples of self-sabotage scenarios that can result in us undermining an opportunity for success and happiness. In response, people prone to self-sabotage will typically try to find ways to ‘damage’ the situation to avoid the fear they have attached to the success.
When we’re offered a promotion, we may turn it down because although a pay raise would be nice, the added responsibility brings with it a fear of failure. We may love our partner and our relationship that brings us happiness and contentment, but the idea of long-term commitment might scare us.
By ‘not acting’ or avoiding behaviours that encourage progression, we’re able to maintain the comfort and predictability of our current situation.
Signs and behaviours to look out for
This is a good question.
Spotting the signs of self-sabotaging behaviour can be difficult because they’re often very deeply ‘engrained’ in how we think, feel, and behave. For instance, you might simply think you’re naturally ‘shy’, or ‘not very career driven’, when in fact you’re subconsciously preventing yourself from succeeding socially and professionally because of an underlying fear or apprehension.
The best way to spot harmful patterns of behaviour is to have a think about what you would love to achieve. This could be something professional like securing a promotion at work, or something personal like learning a new skill or taking up a new hobby.
If the first thing that comes to mind is apprehension, fear, or worry about making these goals a reality, you might be more susceptible to self-sabotaging behaviours than other people.
Next, think about your behaviour and whether your actions are consciously or subconsciously reinforcing these thoughts and feelings.
Examples of self-sabotaging behaviour
To help you spot the signs of common self-sabotaging behaviours in yourself or a loved one, take a look at the list below:
- Harmful use of alcohol or drugs
- Negative self-talk
- Undermining interpersonal relationships
- Avoiding certain conversations or responsibilities
- Impulsivity
- Not setting boundaries
- Isolation
- Ignoring self-care
- Downplaying your achievements
- Procrastination
Which environments can promote self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage in your relationship
Self-sabotage in relationships can stem from a fear of vulnerability, low self-esteem, past trauma, or uncertainty and fear around long-term commitment. Often, people sabotage their relationships to avoid potential heartbreak or rejection, which paradoxically leads to the outcome they fear.
Common patterns of behaviour can include:
- Pushing your partner away
- Disengaging when certain topics come up
- Creating unnecessary conflicts
- Being overly self-critical
- Manifesting insecurities
- Making comparisons with past relationships
- Constantly convincing your partner that you’re the problem
- Constantly doubting the quality of your relationship
To combat self-sabotage, it’s important to engage in open communication with partners, seek therapy to address underlying issues, and practice self-compassion. By understanding and addressing the root causes of self-sabotage, individuals can foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Self-sabotage in the workplace
Self-sabotage in the workplace often manifests through procrastination, perfectionism, and an overarching fear of failure.
Many people engage in self-sabotaging behaviours because they fear the impact of success and the increased expectations it can bring. Others feel undeserving of progression and praise, which causes them to undermine their own efforts and derail their chances of earning a promotion or taking on extra responsibility.
To overcome self-sabotage in the workplace, try to set realistic goals and seek feedback from colleagues and supervisors. Avoid falling into the trap of ‘people pleasing’, where you routinely seek praise from others, and aim to develop a ‘sustainable growth’ mindset that slowly works towards achieving goals that work for you. Working on your self-confidence and recognising your value can also help mitigate these damaging behaviours.
How do I stop?
Pinpoint the behaviours you want to change
Self-awareness is fundamental for making any change in life. If we’re not aware of the behaviours we’re trying to change, making the decision to start won’t happen.
Don’t think about changing anything at this stage. Simply take a pen and paper, and write down a list of your goals, aspirations and the thought patterns and behaviours you suspect might be limiting your ability to achieve them.
Challenge negative beliefs
When you begin to recognise self-sabotaging behaviours, you can work on changing them.
Begin by questioning the validity of the thoughts and feelings you have. Ask yourself, "is there real evidence to support this belief?" Often, negative beliefs are based on assumptions or past experiences rather than our current reality.
Start to develop positive statements to counteract negative thoughts. For example, replace "I'm not good enough" with "I am capable and worthy of success and happiness”. This can help turn negative scenarios into positive opportunities where we view challenging feelings and emotions as opportunities to grow.
Work on boosting your self-esteem
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend.
Accept that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes and understand that perfectionism in itself is another form of self-sabotage. When we try to “be perfect”, we set ourselves up to fail because perfection doesn’t exist.
Engage in activities that build your skills and Spend time with people who make you feel confident and supported. Try your best to maintain a healthy lifestyle that includes regular exercise, a balanced diet, and a good amount of sleep.
Set realistic goals
When you’ve got some goals in mind, break them down into smaller, achievable tasks.
This makes change feel less daunting and your goals appear more attainable. It also helps with motivation, as smaller, bitesize tasks that build up to something bigger look far more attainable.
Realistic goals often involve specific, actionable steps that reduce our tendency to procrastinate. As procrastination is common in people who self-sabotage, taking on tasks that require clear and focused immediate action can reduce the likelihood of avoidance-based behaviours.
When to see a professional
If self-sabotage is impacting your daily life (either personally or professionally), therapy can help.
Our therapists are trained to spot the signs of self-sabotage and to help administer a treatment plan that can ultimately help you avoid the behaviours that are causing you problems.
If you think seeing a professional might be of benefit to you, click the link below to learn more or to book an appointment now.
Last updated Tuesday 3 September 2024
First published on Tuesday 3 September 2024